Thoughts and Ponderings
Befriending Who We Already Are

Loving-kindness (maitri) toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy, we can still be angry. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away or become something better. It's about befriending who we are already.
- Pema Chodron

I love that quote. It sums things up for me. Until it showed up in my inbox this morning, I had no idea what I would write about for this issue. I’d sat down a few times to put words to paper, never yielding anything that seemed insightful, inspiring or, for that matter, the least bit interesting. I was on a rat wheel and everything I did was feeding a state of frustration that I’d been walking through for the last month or better.

This mood I was in, what I was calling frustration, was being fueled by a story I was running through my head. I was telling myself, and anyone who would ask, that I was feeling overwhelmed. I made the mistake of saying that to my Teacher and he promptly pointed out that “overwhelm” isn’t a feeling and challenged me to look deeper. I soon realized that what I was avoiding looking at was fear. The visual I got was of a little kid walking through a dark night, feeling her way along and at times not having anything to guide her and having to step forward trusting that the next step would not take her over a cliff. It was FEAR, not frustration or overwhelm.

Pretty dramatic accounting and yet that visual makes sense of all the acting out I’d been doing. I had been reacting from this very old fear, coming from a very young lost kid that lives inside of me and who had been under the impression that it was up to her to figure things out, to make the decisions and plan the next move.

Once I understood where my reactive thoughts, words and actions were coming from, all that was left for me to do was to reassure this wounded inner kid that she didn’t have to do a thing. I’ve learned it’s helpful to talk directly to this wounded aspect of myself, the part that is full of hurt and fear. To say something like, “I’ve got this, and of course you are afraid, you’re just a kid and all these decisions are for the adult me to deal with.” With that said, I can relax into the moment and this allows my adult self to be conscious in my decisions and any actions that are needed. When the kid is running the show I am never in the moment, the kid’s reactions are from past wounds and her fear tries to plan the outcomes of things that might or might not happen and over which I have absolutely no control.

For some of you, talking about a wounded kid and an inner adult might sound too “out there”. I know it was for me when I first heard it. I had no desire to get to know a wounded kid in me. Yet, once I embraced the concept and acknowledged there was a part of me that felt very little and sad, I was able to lighten up and stop judging that aspect of me as anything but wounded. With that acceptance came real compassion.

Several years after accepting I had an inner kid, I attended an Alchemical Hypnotherapy training and was presented with the concept of all the voices I hear in my mind being unique parts of me, or sub-personalities. In addition, I learned that I could get to know each of them better and develop a more workable relationship with “The Committee” in my head.

Getting to know and honoring all these aspects of myself opened the door to real self-acceptance. When I observe myself reacting, I might not immediately understand where it is coming from and I might believe whatever story I’m making up to justify my actions. However, when I wake up and gain some clarity on the situation, instead of judging my actions/reactions I can look on with love and comfort the part of me that felt the need to act out. I can see it as another opportunity to practice self-love. The more I learn to love, accept and befriend myself, the more at home I feel and my capacity for giving and receiving love is expanded.

Barbara Williams is the Editor of Balanced Life Magazine. She shares her personal thoughts and ponderings in the hopes that others can relate and see a bit of themselves in what she writes. Barbara is also, a Recovery Counselor and Hypnotherapist, offering ongoing classes, private and phone sessions that focus on providing clients with tools needed to tap their own inner resources for increased self-acceptance and peace.
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