Allan Hardman on Conscious Relationship
On Telling Ourselves the Truth

Have you ever thought about how much we lie to ourselves? Think about it. How many times do you talk yourself out of what you are feeling because your truth might hurt somebody? Or you tell yourself that you are not smart enough or not beautiful enough or rich enough or buff enough. Is that the truth? Or is there a habit in the mind to tell ourselves these lies.

We are well programmed from our childhood "domestication" to lie to ourselves. And to each other. Oh, we hold a value that says we are honest, and we don't really intend to lie. It is more like we fool ourselves. Tell the truth now; don't you pretend to like some people more than you really do? Maybe you even pretend to like yourself more than you really do.

Do you go to a party and act on top of life, secure and happy, then go home and beat yourself up for what you said and how much you ate or who's name you forgot? We lie to the party about how we feel about ourselves, and then we come home and tell ourselves the worst lie of all: that we are not good enough the way we are.

And what about the promises you make to yourself about what you will do in the future, when there is no reasonable chance that you will do it? "I will go to the gym every day and work out for two hours." "I will stop eating chocolate forever." "From now on I will be loving and compassionate, and not judge people anymore"... It is as though we are trying to convince some part of ourselves to quit nagging us... we will do what it says. And it is a lie, because we can't possibly live up to the expectations we create with our lies. "Tomorrow I will start (stop) doing whatever it is that I said I would start (or stop) today but didn't."

We don't have to lie to ourselves anymore, but it takes courage. To not lie means to tell ourselves the truth. The truth about how we feel, what we think, what we are, what we do. It may not be pretty, it may be messy, but the truth is, it is the truth! The first step is the awareness that we are lying to ourselves, and to the world. Then we have a chance to explore the belief systems and old programming from our domestication as children, to see what we are afraid of and how we might want to reprogram our beliefs.

The work/play, then, is the transformation of our fears and beliefs and agreements... to relearn everything we know and believe about ourselves... to choose to be happy, and to learn how. The tools of the Toltec path are simple and direct ways to transform the fear and suffering of the past into the love and happiness of the present and future.

"... so let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late." Bob Dylan, "All Along The Watchtower."

Allan Hardman is a relationship coach, author, teacher, and Toltec Master, trained by Miguel Ruiz in the tradition of The Four Agreements. He is the author of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book. Allan teaches and counsels from his summer home in Sonoma County, CA, and his winter home in Chacala, Nayarít, Mexico. For information about Allan’s teaching and events, or to subscribe to his free e-newsletter, visit: www.joydancer.com. Or call (707) 528-1271. E-mail comments: allan@joydancer.com.

Watch Me

Watch me, said the creek
as she slid past a curve in the bank,
caressing the graceful contours
as though they were her own.
Watch me, said the creek,
as she tumbled over and around the rocks,
touching roughly, wearing away,
and yet softly, hardly touching at all.
Watch me, said the creek,
as she slowed and stopped
in the deep and silent pool,
quietly resting before she tumbled on.
Watch me, said the creek,
I am the water and I am the bank,
I am the hardness of the rocks
and I am the silence of the pool.
The nature of my existence is love,
for I am one with all that is.
There could be no creek
without a bank,
and no silent pool
without the rocks.
I am you, and you are me.
Let us make love with each other,
gently caressing our graceful curves
and tumbling around our hard rocks.
Let us make love with each other,
in the silent pool of life's mystery.
Join me, said the creek,
and let us make love with each other,
knowing that we are one,
and that our nature is love.