Peaceful Parenting
Who Are You, My Child? (Part One of Two)
As human beings, our brains are wired to compare. Research has shown that the developing brain of an infant builds its knowledge base by taking in information, comparing it to what it already knows, and thus determining how/where to store it. As adults, we continue to employ this technique in our dealings with other people. This is the source of our judgments of others. When somebody says or does something, we compare it to what WE would say or do, and this helps us determine our affinity (or lack thereof) for that person. The people we call our friends, or the people we admire, are usually people who we have determined to be more like us, or more like we hope/want to be. We applaud when somebody does or says something that we agree with. And we are incredulous when they do something we would never dream of doing.
As parents, it is difficult (although not impossible) to avoid working within the same judgmental framework in regard to our children. It is completely natural for us to want our children to display the qualities we deem successful and appropriate. Or, at the very least, to make sure they don’t behave in ways we find distasteful, or make choices of which we disapprove.
We love our children. We have big hopes and dreams for them. We try to guide them as best we can, according to OUR understanding of what the best life should be for them. But, in our well-meaning attempts to guide and support them, are we truly serving them to unfold into who they really are? Are we allowing them the process of becoming themselves? Or are we trying to mold them through our own expectations?
I believe that every child is creating his/her own individual destiny, which will eventually act itself out, independent of the parent. The potential adult is inherent within a child already. Every child is on a unique trajectory of consciousness that needs to be guided according to its own momentum. What is meaningful to us may not be so for our children.
It often takes a great deal of effort to put our own hopes aside and discover our children’s genuine gifts and passions. Our children are not an extension of our own minds. We must respect their individuality. We need to detach ourselves sufficiently in order to understand who they really are.
As my own children grow, I’m becoming more conscious about getting my expectations out of the way in order to meet them where they are, as they are. When they seem to be veering away from my own ideas of who I want them to be, I try to avoid getting stuck in the idea that “this is not how it is supposed to be”. Because...maybe it is!
Can I let go of wondering: Where should my child be heading? And, instead, ask myself where he is actually going and what can I do to be helpful? Can I move past who I think my child should be (and, particularly, how his behavior/choices reflect on ME) and applaud his individuality and the choices he makes?
If we are paying attention, without an agenda, our children will show us who they are, in flashes, revealing their authentic selves. As parents we live for such moments. But we can’t schedule them. We can’t ask for, or hurry them. We can only take every opportunity to be present with our children. Allow yourself to be “in the moment” with your child as often as possible. Witness. Observe. And you will begin to notice: When is she the most joyous, enthusiastic, filled with wonder? When does she seem the least self-conscious?
If you find yourself struggling with a strong desire to change your child, to instill different behaviors, or to cause him to conform to a set of standards that does not come naturally to him, this is a good opportunity to do some self-reflection. Make sure it’s not about YOU. Don’t let your own fears about what others might think, or what might happen in your child’s future get in the way of loving support. Avoid letting concern about your child not meeting up to your standards (social or academic) be the guiding force in your level of acceptance. This can only have a negative impact on your relationship with the child.
It is vitally important to celebrate and support our children’s uniqueness and individuality, to inspire them to find and follow their passion. Give your children opportunities to express their talents and to feel confidence. Let them know that they are enough, and that you love them just the way they are.
In order to authentically convey this, you may have to do some of your own inner work. Do YOU love yourself just the way YOU are? You can’t love a child any better than you love yourself. As long as we’re afraid that we’re not enough, we will also feel afraid that our child isn’t enough. Another way of saying this: when you know that you are enough, you can trust that your child is enough.
Personally, I find astrology to be an extremely informative and objective tool to help parents understand the similarities and differences between themselves and their children. In Part Two of this article, I will explore the benefits of examining your child’s natal chart and how it compares/relates to your own. A chart interpretation can provide clear insight into your children: how they think, how they relate, what they need to feel safe, their special talents and challenges, and how to best support them to discover their passions in life.
You can read Part Two in the next issue of Balanced Life Magazine, or get a sneak peak on my website at www.astrologyforparenting.com.
Amy Edwards is a Parenting Coach, applying the principles of Attachment Parenting, Consensual Living and Astrology to help parents attain authentic and respectful relationships with their children and families. Visit www.astrologyforparenting.com or call (916) 212-5501 for a free 15-minute consultation.
